How to Speak Up When You’re Scared (Why It Feels So Hard + How to Find Your Voice)
Before We Begin – A Disclaimer
Before we wade together into this post—let me start by saying (and maybe this should be a disclaimer on every post…) that I write this NOT as another self-help ‘guru’. NOT as a patronising, “aww, are you having trouble speaking up? Let me fix that for you.”
I write this as someone who’s been walking this tightrope most of my life. And only now, I’m beginning to see what’s beyond it. Even now, I recognize the irony of writing about using your voice. Because for me, with my neurodiverse brain, writing is easier. It’s my comfort zone. Speaking? That’s where the jumble happens, the words get tangled, or—apparently—I piss someone off.
And when you’ve grown up people-pleasing, or constantly calibrating your behavior so others think well of you, pissing someone off? That’s the worst-case scenario, right?
So maybe I’ll do a video version of this post at some point.
For now, let’s just sit here together, and look at ways to find our voices—and use them. Not haphazardly (although spoiler: that’s part of the process), but intentionally.
Using our voices from a place of sovereignty.
Why Am I So Scared Of Speaking Up?
This post has been prompted by a very human moment from my week: I had finally had enough of staying silent, sitting on the fence while there’s so much noise and bullshit flying around. Full honesty: it came out messy. Not my finest hour. But it reminded me of something crucial—half the time, we stay quiet because we are imagining worst-case scenarios: “If I speak, conflict will erupt. People will think badly of me.”
And yes, worst-case scenarios do happen. Someone did react by throwing their emotional baggage at me. Fair enough, but I didn’t take the bags.
Fear of Judgment and Conflict
Fear of conflict and fear of judgment are massive players here. Layer in past trauma—being shut down for speaking, being taught only to say what’s palatable, relationships where everything you say must pass inspection—and it’s no wonder our nervous systems lock down.
As Bessel van der Kolk says, the body keeps the score.
Our bodies and minds remember, and are trying to keep us safe. Thoughts like “it won’t change anything” or “they’ll think I’m a bitch” are not random—they’re our nervous system doing its job. But how unsafe is it, really, to speak your truth?
For me, as a cis white woman from a middle-income background, I am inherently safer to speak than many marginalized groups. For some, speaking up can literally put them in danger. That perspective matters, and it reminds us that voice is a responsibility, but also a right.
Statements to Sit With
I’m at the beginning of my perimenopausal journey, and like many women here, I’m done “playing nice.” Here are some truths I hold—and invite you to sit with them:
- Not everyone in this world will think positively of me.
- In fact, some people in this world dislike me, right now, in the past, and/or will in the future.
- Some of these people will dislike me because I said or did something to piss them off.
- Some of those people will dislike me because of no tangible reason, they’re just on a different frequency, or whatever you want to call it.
- I will know why some people dislike me, and I may take steps for what I can personally do to repair that relationship.
- I will know why some people dislike me, but I do not to take any action on that.
- I will not have a fucking clue why some people dislike me. Therefore, there’s not a lot I can do about that – if I am to be my authentic self.
And that last one is the crux. What moves someone through their fear of speaking out? From my own personal experience, I’ve started to move through fear when the discomfort of staying where I am, being who I am, becomes greater than the discomfort of doing (or saying) the thing that seems too unsafe for my body to let me go ahead with previously.
When you get to that point where it’s time to shed the old skin.
There can be birthing contractions. Those of you who’ve already begun the practise of embodying that next version of yourself will know – some days, you think you’ve ‘cracked it’, but then the rubber hits the road and something throws itself in your path as if to say ‘OK, next-level-you, how are you going to deal with this one, this time?’ And then there’s that compulsion to shrink back, to retreat. ‘Maybe I’m not ready to climb up to the next part of the spiral yet…’
Oh my dear, but you are.
So come with me on this journey – together we’ll look at some ways we can begin to speak.
Reclaiming your Voice
Your voice isn’t just words; it’s energy, intuition, and truth. Reclaiming it is about aligning what you feel in your heart with what you express outwardly.
Gentle Beginnings: Start with noticing where tension lives in your body. Breathe into it. Tune into your heart and intuition before attempting outward expression. Equally – allow yourself to start messy, and to do this imperfectly.
Body Awareness: The body reflects patterns that block your voice. Gentle toning, humming, or vibration can help release tension and reclaim space. You can do this privately—no audience needed.
Practical Steps: Start small. Voice play doesn’t mean public speaking. Whisper, hum, or even make a sound in private. Notice how your body reacts. Let it remind you that sound can be safe.
These are exactly the kind of practices you’ll find in The Voice Reclaimed, where we step through small, safe exercises that help you reconnect with your inner wisdom and express it outwardly.
Integration of Mind and Heart: True expression comes when your knowledge and insight merge with inner wisdom. Not just speaking from the head, but from the heart.
Alignment Over Force: Reclaiming your voice isn’t about loudness. It’s congruence: heart, body, and words moving together.
No Permission Needed: Your voice has always mattered. You don’t need anyone’s approval to take up space.
Voice as a Practice
- Mirror Work: Say one true sentence aloud to yourself. Examples: “I matter.” “I am allowed to speak.” “My voice is needed.”
- Toning and Humming: Place a hand on your heart, a hand on your throat. Make a gentle sound. Notice the vibration. No need for perfection.
- Energy Clearing: Breathe deeply into your throat and chest. Exhale with a soft sigh, imagining blocks releasing.
- Journaling Prompts:
- What am I no longer willing to silence?
- Where will I speak my truth next?
Remember: Voice is like a muscle—it strengthens with practice. Even a few minutes a day matters.
Continue Your Journey with The Voice Reclaimed
Speaking up isn’t linear. Some days you feel strong, others your voice trembles. That’s normal. Keep practicing. Start small, stay safe, honour your heart, and let your voice rise in its own time.
If reading this post has sparked something in you—if you feel that tug to start reclaiming your voice more fully, gently, intentionally—then maybe it’s time to walk that path with me.
I’ve created a short, 3-day mini-series called The Voice Reclaimed, designed to take you deeper into this work. Across the three days, we explore simple daily practices, gentle voice exercises, and journaling prompts that help you reconnect with your inner wisdom and express yourself from a place of alignment and confidence. No performance, no pressure—just a safe, supportive space to experiment with your voice and notice how it feels to let it move through you.
You can sign up for free here, and begin walking this journey one small, intentional step at a time. Because your voice has always mattered—it’s just waiting for you to claim it.
