Why Everything Falls Apart Before It Gets Better (The Descent)

Many people assume that the hardest part of a life transition is the beginning.

They think the most difficult moment is the ending itself. The breakup, the loss, the decision, the point where something clearly changes.

But in my experience, and in the stories I hear from others, the hardest part often comes afterwards.

It is the stage where you expect things to start improving, and instead everything seems to keep unravelling. You try to move forward, but life feels heavier, more uncertain, and far less stable than you imagined.

This is the stage I call the descent.

Sometimes I also think of it as the burning, because it can genuinely feel as though the life you knew is being reduced to ashes. Not just the big pieces, but the smaller ones as well. Your routines, your sense of identity, the roles you once held with confidence. Even the beliefs you carried about yourself can begin to loosen or fall away.

It can be deeply unsettling.

You may feel disoriented, vulnerable, and far more emotional than usual. Grief can show up in unexpected ways. Ordinary tasks can suddenly feel exhausting. Things that once felt simple may start to feel overwhelming.

And in the middle of all of this, there is often a very strong urge to go back.

To return to what was familiar. To rebuild the old life as quickly as possible. To undo the ending and restore a sense of normality.

That response is completely human.

When the ground beneath you feels unstable, of course you want solid footing again. Of course you want certainty. Of course you want relief.

But this stage is not a sign that everything has gone wrong. It is part of the clearing process that allows real change to take root.

Just as a fire clears land and makes space for new growth, the descent clears away what can no longer hold you. It is uncomfortable, and sometimes painful, but it is not pointless.

And because this stage can be so intense, support becomes especially important here.

That support might look like talking to someone you trust. It might mean working with a therapist. It might involve body-based practices that help you feel more grounded in your physical self when emotions are running high.

You do not have to manage this alone.

If everything feels like it is falling apart right now, it does not mean your life is ending. It may mean that something is being cleared, even if you cannot yet see what will grow in its place.

Give yourself permission to seek support, to move slowly, and to take care of yourself while the ground is shifting.

This stage is part of a wider process I call the life transition spiral. If you are in this place, it can sometimes help to understand what came before this stage, and also what tends to come after.

You can read the earlier stage here: The Quiet Moment Before a Life Change (The Fracture)
And the next stage here: The Liminal Space: How to Live When You’re Between Two Lives

Each stage has its own texture, and sometimes just being able to name where you are can make things feel a little less overwhelming.